Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
