I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
