I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
