I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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