Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
