I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
