If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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