Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
