Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
