When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
