But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
