I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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