My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
this hospital has no fireball
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Randomize
