put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
