Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
