I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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