my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
