Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
