It was confusing and full of hummus
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
