Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
