Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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