I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
