I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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