He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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