matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
How's work?
Spinning.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
