i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
