dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
