Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
