Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
