oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
