i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize