To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
