True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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