I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
