i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
