Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
