he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
pray to the hookup gods
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
