I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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