Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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