I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
