Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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