sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
