Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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