i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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