I just saw a hot homeless man
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
