ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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