I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
