yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
