Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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