i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
