I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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