i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I need to align my fucking chakras
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
