She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
