Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There's always time for handjobs
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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